Log in

12 March 2010 @ 10:15 am
i think about it at least once a day.
i think about my family.
about how i'm not going to see them, at least for a long long time.
tia myra made her thoughts clear in her letter.
mama elena basically ripped my heart out.
my other relatives i bet feel the same fucking way.
will this ever stop hurting?
i remember when rachel and i had that blow up i didn't talk or see her for half a year. i just want to scream at all of them, telling them what fucking idiots they all are. how they're losing me for good. why would they want that just to get their opinion on my life out in the open.
fuck that.
just keep it to your damn self.
my God isn't their God.
He wouldn't make people hate.
make people stay in the dark and be ignorant.
they will realize how wrong they are, i fear though that it might be too late for some of them.
Current Location: living room with Chino
mOooOoood: crushedcrushed
Current Muzak: ma and john in the kitchen
27 February 2010 @ 08:36 am
it's been a fun filled vacation so far. first on tuesday, jack and i went to cherry bombs and both got tattoos. i had josh do a killer sugar skull with CASCOS over it. Jackie had jamie do 'walking on broken glass' with shards of glass in the center of the words. they both came out really well and of course mine took forever!

Wednesday we went to dr spoor so jack could get her steroid fix and some vicodin cuz her head and neck aches were too much. it was the fastest appointment we ever had with him. we sat in the waiting for 15 minutes and in the room for 10. it was a nice change, but he wants her back in a month or so to do some testing.

Once we ate something at Andary's, we went home and started making peirogies with ma from scratch. we made about four dozen and they were amazing! ma was the stuffer, i was the forker and jack was the blancher.

Yesterday, friday, we started with a house showing in mt clemens with laura tagging along. it...was...gorgeous! my dream house! we want to show ma and then get together with Craig and get the ball rolling asap. i want it...

After that we went back to cherry bombs so laura could get a tattoo of the cross of st benedict on her forearm. took forever and we were starved by the time we got home. we only had time to get ready before Chris came over and we were off in her new car to greektown. we ate at the pegasus, had a pitcher of beer and then rode the people mover to the ren cen where the tattoo convention was. $20 bucks to get in and we roamed the stalls for a little bit. every other artist was working on someone and it was like a humongous tattoo shop with no doors. first jackie started getting her tattoo of a psuedotumor cerebri awareness ribbon, then me and chris went in search of someone to do something on us. I found a guy right opposite of jackie that did crazy cartoony weird art and he drew up a D for me. Chris wanted to get our lady of guadalupe on her arm, but the artist said it would take too much time, seeing as we got to the con at 9 and it closed at 11. So she ended up doing the sacred heart of jesus on her pointer finger. it was black and white and it really came out nice.

once both of them were finished, of course the guy was still working on mine and it was the worst tattoo pain i've ever felt, and i have quite a few. i could barely keep my composure, grabbing jackie's hand over and over, asking her to talk to me to keep my mind on something other than the seering, raking agony my back was experiencing. she also gave me the digital camera to look though to keep me from crying. it was only a few tears that i let slip out. the D came out nice though.

only three more days of vacation. trying not to think about it. today is gonna be a whatever kind of day.
Current Location: living room by myself
mOooOoood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Muzak: the heat kicking on
21 February 2010 @ 11:20 pm
vacation starts now! i'm very excited that i don't have the stress of work for a whoooole week and that we're not traveling. at first i was bummed we couldn't go anywhere, but now i'm glad because it gives us more time to just relax and hang out at the house. maybe even see people we don't get to normally.
inventory was tonight and i hope it was good. i'm sick of having horrible ones and being yelled at for it. i'm going to have to text kristen to see how we did tomorrow.
i don't know what we should do tomorrow. skies the limit i guess. i'm gonna find the time to exercise every day though. i have no excuse now.
can't wait til final fantasy!!!
i'm tired but i can't sleep cuz then one more day of vacation would be over!
Current Location: living room with jack
mOooOoood: chipperchipper
Current Muzak: food network
17 February 2010 @ 05:02 pm
reading the gay for kahlan page made my day. waiting for it to be after 5:30 for laura to come over and watch some dr. who. i hate her for making me watch those two eps and making me want to watch more. horrible.
i think dana is coming over for a bit after baby gets off of work, then she goes back to penn tomorrow morning. i wish i could go in later than 2 for work, but such is life.
i had to cut my exercising short cuz john walked in and wanted to watch american idol, so i was a little pissed. i guess i can't monopolize the tv anymore. meh.
i feel like i'm losing my mind. i can't remember, can't think, can't talk. it takes so much effort to just keep going instead of staring off not doing anything. i'm a little worried. might be the meds, so maybe i should try something else...but it's been like this for a long time.
ash wednesday and i have no church to go to. st clare is definitely out of the question. i might go and play bioshock.
i hope i actually get to see rob on our vacation. i will make it happen! i miss him.
Current Location: living room by myself
mOooOoood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Muzak: ace of cakes
16 February 2010 @ 12:41 pm
getting ready for work today is freaking me out. it's gonna be a loooong night because the big dog JT is coming in tomorrow and we have to take everything out of the deep freeze and stick it in two little spot merchandizers so they can defrost it after we close. who knows how long this is gonna take and if it's actually doable. i hate this shit.
i'm trying to get back into exersizing every day again. did stepping for an hour and other exersize for 20 min. lent should help that a bit, cuz i'm going to give up pop and swearing and drinking more water. oye vey. i think i bit off more than i can chew. i really don't drink too much pop anyway so that's not a stretch. let's hope at the end of the forty days jackie is still with me heh.
i love bioshock. it scares the crap out of me but in a good way. i don't want to play it by myself though.
i should actually get ready now. ''sigh''
mOooOoood: scaredscared
Current Muzak: taboo: strange love
13 February 2010 @ 03:26 pm
today was a long day at work, but at least jackie is coming home soon. i actually got out early today. i probably shouldn't have cuz i needed the hours, but what can you do.
it's so hard to think of things to write. i feel like my life is so much more boring now than when i used to write on here all the time. back when i was sixteen i could write forever cuz of all the angst and shit. now i'm happy and normal and i have nothing that seems worth much. it's funny to read that old stuff every now and then and see how fucking crazy i was.
speaking of fuck, i think i'm going to give up swearing for lent. i'm not the best Catholic out there anymore, but some things die hard. or i could do smoking, but i think i would murder someone at work if i didn't have my fix. i don't know if i could quit swearing either. it's just part of my language now.
we cleaned the house and put a lot of things back from the renovations and it looks pretty. i love the modern look, with a little less edge.
i wonder if anyone even reads this anymore. it doesn't really matter. more of a therapy that way. maybe i should put it on private... eh, i'm too lazy.
my tummy hurts and i need some eats stat!
Current Location: living room by myself
mOooOoood: contentcontent
Current Muzak: radio in the kitchen
12 February 2010 @ 11:15 am
It's our day off together. All three of us. Jackie and I have been obsessed over Sims 3 for the last couple days and now I have Bioshock 2 too. One too many video games. We've been very boring.
I want to start writing every day in here just to get back into the groove. Maybe journaling will make my creative juices start flowing again. Probably not but it's all I can think to do.
We bought a new computer last week and it's very pretty. It has a nice big screen monitor and it was a day from hell trying to purchase it. Laura was roped into our adventure, and I apologize again for that. First we wanted an Alienware one that was more expensive, but of course Best Buy didn't have it in stock. (They need to take the fucking display down when they don't have it to sell! Bastards!) So we looked at Staples and Sears but nothing. So we went back and got a HP. But that wasn't the end. When we were waiting in line, I looked in my purse to find my credit card and didn't have it with me. I was flipping out and worried that Jack would be upset with me. She didn't seem to be. We had to pay for it right there with Debit, which is probably better in the long run anyway.
We went to Walmart afterwards to grab a corner desk we saw the day before that both of us liked and they we out. (Of course). We grabbed another one with three different pieces and bought a case of beer for drinking while we put everything together. Getting out two of the beer busted and we scraped one of the furniture pieces cuz the wood was shit. All in all a very frustrating night, but the computer is pretty!
Ma's fundraiser raised on it's own 11000 bucks! I'm so happy for her. I hope she understands now how many people love her. She's an amazing woman.
I think we're off to Walmart for some valentine's day crap for Ma's boyfriend John. P.S. Chino is cute!
Current Location: living room with Chino
mOooOoood: hopefulhopeful
Current Muzak: Cetera
23 December 2009 @ 04:32 pm
i want to write so bad.
i want to tear my own hair out. i figure if i read a lot i'll get inspiration and start up again. whenever i feel the urge something happens and i find myself angry or agitated and don't want to write.
i hate that shit.
she says things sometimes...makes me crazy.
she knows how i operate by now and she pushes all the right buttons.
but why push them?
what does it help?
Current Location: living room
Current Muzak: resputina
16 December 2009 @ 10:04 am
the guy re-doing our bathroom hasn't started to bang loudly in the next room so i can think for a second. i'm switching my nano novel into a memoir. that means i'll have to rewrite half of it, but i think it will be more genuine this way. i don't have to fake names and try and make up things. but it also means i have to be as accurate as possible which is hard when you have a horrible memory. at least i have jackie to ask when i'm a little cloudy.

jack is at work and i miss her already. we at least have two days off together this week, which hasn't happened in a long time. i'm finally reading the alice seabold book jack bought me last christmas and it's pretty graphic and morbid. killing your mother is never an easy subject. i give her mad props though.

if anyone remembers some random memory that would be interesting for my book, let me know. could be about anything, as long as it's about me! love!
Current Location: bedroom
mOooOoood: creativecreative
Current Muzak: lady gaga - bad romance
07 November 2009 @ 10:12 pm
i'm going crazy with this nano thing.
i just get so frustrated sometimes that everything i write is complete crap.
then i get distracted and tired of not writing the allotted amount for the day.
jackie is big help, pushing me and reading my work. making sure i keep writing just so she can read what i dish out.
it's pretty great.
i just need to take other's advice and not even think about misspellings or edits and type as fast as i can and as much as i can. december will be the fun part where everything will be put in its proper place.
i feel like i'm typing a lot fast because of this already.
more mistakes but so what.
'december is for editing'
Current Muzak: final fantasy VII